Thoughts

This is a poem I wrote a while ago about C.S. Lewis. I'm posting it here for Annemarie because she wanted to see it, but any of you who happen across this LJ (I haven't posted it in so long I'd be surprised) can check it out.

Mr. Lewis

Mr. Lewis,
Teach me about wild things.
Tell me stories of distant shores
Of children who become kings and queens
Of talking mice and flying horses
Of what lies beyond the sea,
And a lion who is fearsome and wonderful.

Mr. Lewis,
Teach me about life.
Tell me about Good and Evil
About life and how to live it
About pain and why it is
About love and joy and hope
And about not being afraid of getting hurt.

Mr. Lewis,
Teach me about God.
Tell me of this wild creator
Who can never be tamed or understood
Who loves so much it blots out sorrow
Who cares so much it abolishes tears
And is so beautifully natural.

Mr. Lewis,
Thank you for leaving all these books
For myself and others like me.
I adore you for the beautiful things that you taught
And for the beautiful tales that you wove
And for the beautiful life that you lived
But most of all, for the glimpse of God that I caught
Underneath every word.

My friend Phil called today to announce that (A) he’s back in town for Thanksgiving, and (B) he has a girlfriend. A, I’m totally fine with, but it’s B that worries me. B leaves me as the last person in the world without a significant other. Sometimes I just feel like I’m surrounded by other people who are all more successful than me. I, on the other hand, am so defective that I will never be successful in love. Even if girls like me, I will always inevitably screw it up, and the rest of the world sits by watching with eyes that shine brightly with sympathy and benevolence, but ultimately their pity burns more than sulphuric acid.

Furthermore, this event that I should be so happy over has upset the delicate mental balance of my mind to the degree that everything else that I do isn’t good enough either. I feel like a slacker if I play video games, a pretentious fool if I try to write, and a pathetic shut-in if I study. In moments like this I can’t help but think back to a moment in my life in fourth grade when a kid named Danny Sweeny once laughed in my face and said “You’re so ugly no one would ever go out with you,” and in a way I wonder if much of the rest of my life has been spent running from that day and that kid and those words.

Well the only girl I’m really interested in right now isn’t paying me much attention, and (to borrow a quote) “I don’t have no kids and most women find me pretty offensive, so I’m single.”

Self-pity is a real pain, isn’t it?

One of the things I find to be really interesting about people, once I get to know them, is how much we scare each other. A Roman poet once said that the man who sees his neighbor’s successes is motivated to work harder himself, and this plays out in real life all the time. On a personal note, many times when I see someone more successful at something important to me than I am, I feel inferior and I immediately begin to work harder. Others that I have known go through the same things with other people. It shocked me to find out earlier that my roommate Grant (the consummate overachiever, for those of you who don’t know him) often feels that he’s living in my shadow. The first thing that I thought was “Me!?”, but now that I think about it, it’s true – whenever Grant sees me doing something, he is terrified of being outdone, and this makes him work harder. And on the other hand, I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten jealous of Grant and have tried even harder than before to achieve things for my own life.

The cycle goes on, but I don’t think that it’s a good one. Achievement is fine, but jealousy robs you of enjoying what you have, and that’s really the only way to be happy. Looking back on my life, a lot of what I have achieved has been done out of impure motives. Sometimes I’ve had huge workout sessions just so that I can try to measure up to other guys. Other times I’ve read the Bible not to read it but to live up to someone else’s standard of holiness. Even some of the girls I’ve gone out with, I didn’t go out with because I liked them all that much, but instead I went out with them as a way of trying to secretly prove Danny Sweeny wrong – as if I could return to that schoolyard from years ago to show him that his words weren’t true, and make him take them back.

No matter how many weights I lift or verses I read or girls I date, though, with jealousy and insecurity it’s never enough. Desiderata says “if you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” Vain and bitter is an interesting combination in my mind – one would think that if you were vain you would at least be happy with your self-superiority, but the truth is that there’s always just a little bit more.

And unfortunately, now I must go to sleep. The Day After Thanksgiving is tomorrow (or as Jeff Printy calls it, Black Friday), and I must prepare my body and mind for the retail hell that will inevitably ensue. I predict that I spend hours re-shelving stuff and getting paid $4.50 an hour to do it. It will be an exercise in building contentment (the opposite of jealousy, I’m convinced), and I look forward to it. There will be time for writing and friends and school and girls who confuse me in the morning.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

This update is just for Becky, who is about the only one to complain/notice that I don't really update this journal all that much anymore. This piece came about as a result of one of my daily writing sessions, and it kinda fit the context of a livejournal. I am particularly fond of it, but please tell me what you think.

-Archery-

God says I need to worry less. He has a way of saying “Do not worry about tomorrow – tomorrow has worries of its own. Concentrate on today.” Sometimes I think God never ever worried in all of his existence. This simply is not true – Jesus once worried so much that while he was praying, blood mixed with his sweat, and he was essentially bleeding through his skin. Talk about stress, huh? I mean, how much would I have to be put under before I sweat blood?

Still I worry. Fundamentally, I worry that I’ll end up a failure. That I’ll never live up to my God-given potential. That I’ll never be successful financially, literarily, romantically – you name it. Anne Lamott says failure and mess are the true friends of an artist. I think that’s true – much that I have accomplished in my life has only been accomplished by continual striving and by making a lot of mistakes. It reminds me of archery, which I used to practice at when I was a kid. In order to make an arrow fly straight, you have to have perfect form from the moment you draw the string back to even several moments after the arrow has been released. To achieve this form, you have to shoot a lot of arrows, and you have to miss the bull’s eye many, many times. You nock an arrow, pull the string back to the corner of your mouth, aim, and release - *twang!* But you didn’t pull the string back far enough, and the arrow comes up short. You nock another arrow, pull the string back farther and keep your arm straighter, aim and release - *twang!* You moved your arm to see where the arrow was going and knocked it off course. To hit the bull’s eye you have to have faith that the arrow is going to hit the target, and you need to wait until you hear it hit before you look at it. So, you nock another arrow…

The literal translation of the Hebrew word for ‘sin’ is ‘missing the mark’. As I reflect on this, I come to think that life is really a lot like archery. Ironically, in order to hit the mark, you’ve gotta miss it a lot first. Only by learning from our misses can we produce more and more consistent hits, and in order to do that we have to be able to let ourselves fail.

Sorry to not post much, but most of my time and effort have been going towards three things:

1. School
2. Social Life
3. Thinkresponsibly.com

Go visit Thinkresponsibly.com, seriously. It's a political/social commentary site done by me, my best friend, and Jeff, a cool guy in his own right. Even if you don't agree with us, visit anyways and post your dissent as comments. We welcome opposition. Remember our slogan: "We might be right. Can you really afford to take that chance?".

Adios!

Ahh, the winds of autumn blow, bringing with them change to many things, especially the lives of college students whose summers have almost ended. I have trouble dealing with change sometimes, but at the end of this particular summer, I think that change is much desired. There has simply been far too much stupid drama in my life what with my job sucking and my parent's work situation and my life suddenly seeming to be drifting into the abyss at points. I'm glad for the stability and focus that a return to college life will bring, and also to see some of my college friends again.

I am sad to see my current friends all pack their respective bags and leave, but such is the way of life - we all have our own way to go. I said goodbye to Phil tonight, as he makes his way back to Pennsylvania. I will miss hanging out with him, as I will miss all of my close friends - Sheena goes back to Moorhead soon, too, and Casey is already back up at St. John's. I'm kinda sad that Casey and I didn't hang out more this summer - I guess I felt like he didn't want me around because he was always hanging out with his Burnsville friends, but now that I look back on it, I think that I've been kind of a bad friend to him lately, sort of taking the fact that he didn't call me a lot out on him by avoiding him. I'm glad that my High School friendships didn't end after High School, as I once thought they did.

I kinda freaked out for a little bit today, about the future (again). I guess I just got to thinking about my perpetual "what to do with my life" problem - I want to make a difference, and have useful skills, and be able to survive on my own, and sometimes I envy my friends whose lives seem very well pathed out for them. I've asked God a lot what to do with my life in the past, and he hasn't been very forward with advice - he always tells me to wait and see what happens. Of course I'd like an instant answer to my questions about my career and my future (I haven't even broached the subject of whether or not I will get married), but I am also starting to realize that God put me in this situation so I'll learn more about myself. I have changed since I started college, and over this summer I have changed a bit too - hopefully for the better. I've been learning self-control especially, which is good because all too often I feel like a fool for saying or doing things too quickly without stopping and thinking. I find I like myself more when I am quiet and reserved than when I am loud and outgoing, because when I am quiet I tend to say better things when I do speak. It was helpful in the midst of my worrying tonight to feel the touch of God on my heart and hear him say, "Relax. You're not ready for the future yet, but you are ready for right now, so focus on where you are. The future will have worries of its own.". I am glad of this comfort.

Hey everyone! I'm actually kinda happy coming in to writing this post, which leads me to believe that it will be completely vapid and devoid of any value. Still, to add some value to what may end up being a completely pointless post, I will begin with an important link: Fahrenheit Fact. Some of you may have seen Fahrenheit 9/11, or at the very least have heard about it. I personally have not seen it, but I know for a fact that Michael Moore is a very liberal and opinionated person, and his documentaries tend to be very one-sided. For those of you who would like to hear the opposition's perspective, here we have Fahrenheit Fact, a weblog that claims to objectively examine the claims made in Fahrenheit 9/11 to determine what is true and what is not. It is run in part by my good friend Grant Libby, and another friend of his - I think they're doing a good job, but you can be the judge of that for yourself - it is still important to get both sides of every issue.

Now on to some meaningless blather about me.

I'm reading through The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis for the second time in my life - the first time I read the series was when I was very young, and I didn't get nearly as much out of it as I am this time. Although the books were intended for children, I am still struck by how much of his own vision of God that Lewis shows through in the character of Aslan the lion - I am absolutely enthralled by just how much Lewis knew about God. We as humans and especially as Americans have a tendancy to see God as a little old man with a white beard who sits on his throne watching Earth instead of television. How much this contrasts with Lewis' view of a God who is always there but rarely seen, watching over us but allowing us to learn and grow on our own terms. If you've never read anything by C.S. Lewis, I highly reccomend most of his books, especially Mere Christianity, The Great Divorce, and The Chronicles of Narnia. In the case of the last one, it is a series that is easy to read but nonetheless interesting, and filled with wonderful bits of allegory for the careful reader.

To move on to a different topic, I am also sorry to report that I am still working at Sears. To be honest, I have good days and bad days with Sears - sometimes I feel like things will be okay, and other times I feel terrible about things because I don't feel like I perform well enough, and this makes me feel inferior, like I should just leave anyways, which isn't hard because I rather dislike my new boss. I have tried to warm up to him, but he seems to me to be simply too self-interested and willing to sacrifice his underlings to help himself. The rest of our department shares my opinion, even the ones who have benefitted most from Dan's (my boss) arrival. I'm not sure what to do about this problem - for now, the lure of money to help pay college-bills is causing me to stay, but only time will tell how long that will last. Probably past Christmas.

It's getting late, so I'd better be cutting this short, but I would like to call upon the 3 or so people who read this for a bit of a favor, if you'd be so inclined - comment and tell me what to do with my life. Seriously, just anything you think I'd simultaneously be good at, enjoy, and be able to survive doing. Remember people, I am counting on your to remedy my indecisiveness - don't sacrifice my future by making me languish in the fires of an undecided major: comment now!

Hey, for those of you who read this, my good friend The Green Lantern has given me yet another reason not to vote for John Kerry. Check the story out, and tell me what you think. My personal opinion of Kerry's behavior is, to quote a popular political slogan, "If you aren't outraged, you haven't been paying attention!".

More at 10. Well, probably not really.

Okay, I'm posting this message in one of my more random moods. I actually feel pretty good, except for the knowledge that I'm gonna have to get up early for church tomorrow and it's already almost one. Oh well, that's life I suppose.

To begin with, I went to the Twin Cities Festival after work today, and it was okay. Honestly, my observations are perhaps threefold. First of all, I was amazed at how overpriced the food was - I mean I spent like $5 for a cup of Thai noodles and another $2 for a drink. I expected prices to get high, but it seemed like this place was two steps away from having two thugs grab entrants for a good old-fashioned shakedown. Second, I was astounded at the commercialism of it all. It seemed like there were a lot of ads around, but what really got to me was the "bible" they give to new believers, which consists of a copy of a paraphrased Gospel of John and then an ad at the back to buy the whole thing from Zondervan. First of all, if Christians and supposedly "Christian" corporations were really concerned about people who had just made a choice to join the Christian faith, I would expect them to be very generous, especially when sharing the Word of God with them. I would not expect them to use it as an opportunity to make a buck!. Seriously, you can buy a decent copy of the Bible from any dollar store (trust me, my best friend bought one from just such a place for, surprise surprise, a dollar). It seems to me that a lot of money was spent on the whole festival - renting the state fairgrounds, creating all the advertising, purchasing and setting up the massive sound-system and several Jumbo-Tron screens that were broadcasting the whole affair - it doesn't seem that unlikely that some money could be spent so that people becoming Christians at the festival could be given a complete Bible. It is, after all, the most important book in the Christian faith. In fact, without it, there could be no organized and coherent Christianity.

This brings me to another rant - why are Christians afraid of the Old Testament? I notice that these days a lot of the Bibles printed and given out in churches or at my college are only the New Testament, and sometimes include Psalms and Proverbs. My big question is, why cut out the Old Testament? Perhaps it could be said that this is to save paper, but I have already addressed the topic of how cheap Bibles are these days (unless, that is, you go with one of the fancy ones from Zondervan), and so this is not really an issue. Furthermore, why sell a Bible that contains only the New Testament - don't Christians realize that the New Testament is built on the Old Testament? Why else would Jesus quote it as much as he did (and he quoted it a LOT)? Why else would the early church fathers have seen fit to include these Jewish books as part of their teachings?

The only reason I can think of is that Christians are afraid or ashamed of the Old Testament. Sure, people love the poetic books like Psalms and the Song of Solomon, and they're pretty cool with Proverbs, too, and Moses and Abraham and Adam and Eve. The problems begin to arise when you start reading the Major and Minor Prophets, or the books of the law, or any of the other stories in the Old Testament that provide a glimpse of ancient Hebrew culture, but also of the true nature of God. The fact that these passages are often confusing and hard to understand makes Christians hesistant to give them to new believers because they are worried about hard questions that they themselves might have to answer. The solution? Downplay the Old Testament as much as possible, and focus on the fluffy and squishy passages of the New Testament (although, if you read His words carefully, you will realize that Jesus was not usually a very squishy person), and the Psalms, and sometimes Proverbs. This behavior disgusts me. I'm not a biblical scholar - the fact is, I'm just a college student with only one year under his belt who has been fortunate enough to study under some very knowledgable people. However, several occurances in my life, I have come to know my way around the Old Testament, and to understand much of it that is hard to understand. In my opinion, however, many of the difficult passages in the Old Testament bear powerful witnesses for the credibility of the Bible once they are explained and fully understood. These stumbling blocks to faith can be transformed into stepping stones if Christians would just begin to educate themselves about the contents of the Old Testament and then use their knowledge to educate others.

My final observation about the Twin Cities Festival is that it seemed like the whole emphasis was on converting people. I understand the twin arguments of "It's a great thing when someone comes to faith", and "You never know when you might die in a car accident on the way home", however I also understand that faith is a difficult plant to cultivate, and an even tricker one to make flourish. One thing that I have learned through my struggles with faith is that if the foundation isn't solid, things begin to collapse. In other words, if somebody is, through the combined might of emotional appeals and dire warnings, pressured into becoming a Christian (or at least saying that they are a Christian), the odds of them staying a Christian very long after the emotion dies down are very low. Most likely they will feel used, and perhaps decide not to listen to Christians again. Coming to faith in Christ is an important decision that will change the life of someone who makes it if they allow it to, and as such it should not be made lightly. Christians need to recognize that sometimes a person simply isn't ready to come to faith yet, and should respect that. The other fact of the matter is, however, that the Christian life and worldview should speak for themselves, and our first 'argument' made to people who don't believe in Christ should be our lives and our character - arguments about how Christ is the Way and the Truth and the Life can be made only after credibility has been established by people watching the way you are, and seeing God work in your life. That said, I just felt like there wasn't a whole lot to do at the festival besides eat overpriced food, listen to music, and hear Luis Palau make appeals for people to come to Christ.

I realize that anyone who is a Christian and went to the Luis Palau Festival may very well be unsettled and/or angered by my words. To that, I can only say that on the whole I didn't really hate the Luis Palau Festival, I just wished they had done several major things differently. This is, after all, only my opinion. You can take it or leave it as you wish.

On an entirely different note, I had a great time out with my friends, and we talked. I have realized that I enjoy spending time with some of my friends more than I enjoy the things we actually do together, which just goes to prove Aristotle's teachings on the definition of true friendship.

In any event, it is late and I am tired and have to get up early, so I am gonna end on a special note - with a picture. For those of you who hate "typical livejournal fare" such as quizzes, surveys, and anything else that smacks of teenage angstiness and self-discovery, you can just avert your eyes now - click the back button on your browser, or, for those of you using Mozilla Firefox with super-cool mouse gestures, just right-click and drag to the left a bit, then release.

For those of you who are still here, here are the results of a quiz I took from mutedfaith.com - which mage are you. This was inspired by Grant Libby and his blog. I think the results are kind of accurate - what do you think?

I feel as if I am at this very moment at the climax of a very slow-burning, smoldering sort of frustration. Little things keep on happening to me or to people around me, things that wouldn't be so bad were it not for their sheer volume, and as they happen my mind keeps ticking them off, silently saying to itself "There's another tiny bad thing that's happened to me.", each event a tiny accupuncture-prick in my medulla oblongata.

I realize that it's been a long time since I posted in my LJ. I realize that the last time I posted, it had also been a long time since I posted. I realize that I also said I would post more the last time I posted. For the 1-3 people who actually care about this, I'm sorry. I was busy, as I always am. Things keep moving faster and faster, and if I don't keep my eye on something, it will soon be months behind me. It occurs to me that at the beginning of our lives, time seems to pass very slowly, but as we age it seems to accelerate - as if we are dropped out of some cosmic airplane, our lives speed up at a gradual and steady rate as we race towards their ends. Interestingly enough for the life of this metaphor, where we actually end up landing is the most important thing of all.

I wasn't actually planning on writing anything in this journal tonight, but I felt so frustrated with things that I just have to get it out, and writing is a very important outlet. To begin with, the atmosphere at work has been terribly depressing. It seems like half the time that I arrive, I feel like my numbers are terrible, and I'm doing much worse than everyone else. I know that isn't really true, but sometimes you know something you feel isn't true, but you feel it anyways. Regardless of what anyone might think, I can be a very illogical person sometimes. Going back to my narrative, I desperately want to leave the career of sales forever and just move on with my life, but the constraints of money and feeling like I'm doing something with my summer keep me bound to Sears.

My family's whole finance situation is another thing - my parents seem fine with things, but it just seems like at this important and turbulent moment in our lives we shouldn't be spending as much as we are - I really don't think children should know anything about the family finances - it just makes them worry, or makes them think they're rich, which is possibly worse. In any event, I just really wish my dad would find a job again so I could stop feeling guilty anytime my family spends money on anything.

My other computer also broke down tonight - it seems pretty typical that the one time I go to work on it and actually start getting into it again, it breaks on me. I think the power supply's fried, which will cost about $50 to replace - $50 I don't really want to spend, but I already spent money on the computer, so not spending the $50 would be like allowing the $200 that was spent on the machine to go to waste as it gathers dust. The computer, of course, is only really a symbol of my identity crisis - the question of what I am going to do with my life weighs heavily on my mind, more so now that college is but a month away than ever. Whenever I talk to my friends who have already chosen majors and already know what they're good at and how they can get employed at it, I feel really bad about things - like I spent the night before the Great Exam of Life having fun and now I'm about to fail. Failing Life - sounds like the name of a punk song. Seriously though, I really feel like my life could be summed up in the phrase "likeable, but worthless". I also feel like anyone reading this is going to think I'm pretty depressing - I've had to fight the urge to delete some of these lines, but the fact is that if this LiveJournal is going to be an accurate picture of my life and my feelings, then it's going to have to display every facet of me, even the ones that aren't always pretty to look at or fun to be around.

So, the final thing on my list is friends - I am concerned that many of my friends, people that I thought I knew, are becoming gradually but inevitably more disgusting people. It's really sad to watch. One of them, for instance, is leading an increasingly obvious double life, and it's somewhat annoying to observe him. He clearly still regards me as a friend, but he also tries to keep me away from his other friends because he knows I'm not going to approve of the way they act and the things they do together. A good example of this can be found only a few weeks ago - he and one of my other friends came to visit me at work, and we talked for a while, and he suggests that we might hang out after I get off work. I agreed, and gave him a call when I got off work, but when he answered he was very nebulous about the possibility of us doing anything together that night even though he had suggested the idea in the first place. A little bit of pointed questioning revealed that he was actually going to a party with some of his BHS friends that night, and I was, of course, "welcome to come", but he was going to the party regardless of what I did. It seemed pretty obvious to me that he had been so shifty because he knew I didn't really like the kind of stuff his BHS friends do at parties, so I went home instead, but I felt very disgusted with him, and just jerked around in general. Another example is every time he swears in front of me, he apologizes and tries to seem sorry about it, but the clear fact is that he swears around his other friends and just tries not to around me because I'm a Christian. I feel like he's somewhat spineless for giving in to peer pressure all the time - swearing, but not when he's around me. College, I have learned, certainly does change people for better or worse, but it's hard seeing many people I used to know slowly solidifying into disgusting personalities.

Finally, as I write this entire post there is a girl on my mind - I have always felt that she was beautiful, but also that she was seperated from me by boundaries longer than distance. On the off chance that she has read this exceptionally mopey livejournal post to the very end I would like her to know how I've always felt about her. You probably don't know who I'm talking about, and I don't want to spoil the suspense by naming names, but even though we're from two different worlds, I've always admired you.

Well, now that I've gotten a lot off of my chest, I think 2:28 AM is a good time to go to bed. I feel somewhat stupid for posting all this negative information for everyone who reads this LiveJournal (after it's been neglected for two months? Why kid myself, for the 3ish people who have me on their friends lists) to see. But, I also feel a lot better for having sort of poured out how I feel about things. I will make an effort to post in this more often from now on, but I make no promises; my life is turbulent as it is, and I don't really know what I'll be doing even tomorrow, much less weeks from now. Thanks for reading, and good night!

To all you people who still read this 'Live Journal' thing, I apologize for not posting for several weeks. This was due to both my extremely busy schedule (I know I complain of schdule problems for a lot, but that's the way it is with me, and it doesn't seem to get any better) and my laziness at points. Finals week was crazy - instead of getting more studious when they were facing the biggest tests and papers of the year, people seemed to get a lot less-so, and so there were a lot of distractions. One of the biggest among them was my own mindset - I was ready for school to be over about two weeks before it actually was, and my work during this period reflected that.

It's raining heavily outside tonight, appropriate for my mood, I think, which is both turbulent and contemplative - two qualities I find rainstorms to bring out in me. There has been a lot of turbulence in my life lately. In addition to the ever-present crisis of what I am going to do with my life (or at the very least, what I am going to major in), I have also been having issues at work. Basically, my boss doesn't think I've been selling enough PAs (extended warranties, for those of you not in the Sears-know), and on Saturday he was giving me a lot of crap about this fact. I could launch into an extended tirade about the specific details of this situation, and why it's so ever-loving hard to sell a PA this time of year, but I will spare you all that. Suffice to say, it's made things hard for me at work - I tend to be a nervous person when it comes to Sears as it is, and this incident combined with my anxiety over major-choosing and college didn't help things. I have been praying about this, and God has been quick to remind me of two facts. First of all, He has constantly told me (in the past, and even now) that I shouldn't worry about things I don't control. All I can do is go out and give every sale my best, but ultimately I cannot force customers to choose anything at all, and I need to stop feeling bad when they don't do what I want. I've already been promised that I will always have everything I need, so I don't need to worry. God is also remarkably generous when it comes to giving more than I need. The other thing God has told me through all of this is that I should focus on the things I do have right now, which are numerous. Often enough when one thing is lacking in my life, another thing is overflowing - this is certainly the case now. At this time in my life when I seem to be having a lot of trouble accomplishing anything, my friends have been supportive in full force. I want to thank you all right now - in this time of depression and anxiety and college-induced poverty, you guys have listened and comforted and let me mooch off of you. Seriously, I'm grateful for everything you guys have done, and I thank God for all of you every day.

Since I'm just getting back into the swing of LiveJournaling again, I'll leave this post as a short one. I hope you guys aren't too unsatisfied with my posting (or lack thereof). Adios!

Housing problems? Solved. Rooming with Grant and Scott.

Major problems? Not solved. Will major in english lit, become alcoholic/wastrel.

Writing problems? Semi-solved. Have written. Decent amounts. Some good.

The last few weeks of school approach, and with them come large amounts of work. I've got papers and tests and crap coming out of my ears scheduled for the upcoming weeks. It's kinda hard because John is totally done with his crap now (his school has a may-term, so while I get out of school before he does, his is a lot easier), so now he's in town for a week with nothing to do, and while I'd love to hang out I'm prolly gonna be too busy for 90% of the week. Oh well, there are always the weekends.

I've had a rather up-down weekend, and all of last week was that way as well. I really hate always being all over the place - I tend to value emotional constancy over complete random-craziness. I wonder if this will die down as I get older, or if I'm just going to have to deal with this. It's bothersome because in some ways it seems like the future is so uncertain, but in other ways it seems like a done deal. For example, when I was a child I remember time passing so slowly all the time. An hour was a ridicoulsly long amount of time to wait for anything, and within the space of a day it felt like I could do so much that a year had gone by. These days, it's the opposite - I remember the beginning of April clearly, thinking "Only one full month left", and believing naively that this month would last a long time, and now it's over halfway done. I know I'm not even twenty yet, and I have the rest of my life before me, but sometimes it just feels like days slip through my fingers like grains of sand. Older people say it will only get worse, which makes me thankful for eternity.

In the midst of my moodiness, in the past few weeks I've taken up a sort of quasi-meditation. I guess it's sort of like praying with a concentration element to it. To explain, I first take a position - sometimes I'm just sitting somewhere, but othertimes I take something that's really hard to concentrate in. I often go for something really distracting, like sitting in the shower feeling the water run down my face, or doing a wall-sit, and then I start to pray. I try to maintain concentration on God, turning inwards rather than outwards, and definetly ignoring sensory input. In the case of something like a wall-sit, screaming muscles are really hard to concentrate against, but the way I see it it's like building both muscle strength and strength of will. (which is something I really admire, by the way, because it seems so scarce these days) It's really hard trying to focus on praying for others against the contrasting pain of exerting muscles or tickling feeling of water drops on your nose, but I think this kind of thing could have real value.

Sounds stupid? Don't knock it 'till you've tried it.

Speaking of things that sound stupid, I've written a bit more poetry lately, and if I get enough of an e-mail / LJ comment response from you people who read this, I might post more of it. There are a few things you need to know, however. First, if you like my writing but think "I don't want to say anything to him about it, he'll post it anyways", don't. I am pretty sensitive about the things I write, and if I don't get responses, I won't post it. It's that simple. Of course, the inverse is also true. If you really hate my writing, especially my poetry, but you think "I'd better say something nice or he'll feel bad", I'm going to post more of it and not only will you suffer by having it up here, but I'll suffer from thinking it's better than it is. Either say, "Yes, post more!", or don't say anything at all.

Okay, now I've gotta go to work, so I'm gonna wrap this entry up here. I might not post any long entries for a while, especially if I get busy, but things will pick up in a few weeks for sure once summer sets in.

So, it's been an interesting evening for me. Heck, it's been an interesting Easter for me. Although this has been a rather long amount of time, surprisingly little has happened to me this weekend, besides the playing of many video games (perhaps too many, perhaps too few? Who's to say?). I did spend a lot of time with lots of different people, which was good, (no, definetly too many) because I like to keep up with my friends. My party with Chazz and crew went off without a hitch, although we ended up watching Mona Lisa Smile afterwards, which was a so-so movie. I wasn't really paying attention - I was playing Final Fantasy 3 (Waaaay too many video games). I also read a new entry into Jeff Printy's Column, which was great. You'll like it too, I guarantee. If you don't, you're a disgusting piece of bourgeois swine. Just a little bit of Christian love for you there...

The problem of the evening (and, for that matter, of the year) is for me to come up with some sort of plan for what to do with the rest of my life. Now, maybe it's completely foolish of me to try to take my entire life into my own hands at my age, and maybe it's short-sighted to assume that what I do in college will decide the course of the rest of my life, but seriously! It's a major! Why would they call it a major if it wasn't... uhm... majorly important? More seriously, I've just been somewhat stressing over this issue due to the fact that registration opened up today for my age/academic group. I've managed to come up with a general set of things that I seem to enjoy doing that might be somewhat useful in order to sustain myself in the future, and so I'm looking at pursuing those things for at least the coming semester. I think that by the time the semester is over and I have to register again, I might be able to knock some things off of the list, and so by process of elimination arrive at my life's destiny. It worked for Hitler. Sorry if I go off on Hitler-related tangents a lot lately. I'm reading The Rise and Fall of the 3rd Reich, a marvellous book about the history of Nazi Germany and of Hitler that is among the most comprehensive history books I have ever read. I've found myself becoming more and more of a fan of history these days, perhaps due to the fact that I am taking Western Civilizations from one of the greatest teachers I have ever had. It just seems like there's so much to learn from the past, and it's not boring at all. One thing I have learned from history: the truth really is stranger than fiction.

I've been thinking a lot about patience and strength of will lately. Maybe it's because the last two weeks of my life have been very easy ones from a workload-perspective, and have gotten swallowed up almost completely by pleasurable activities. And while I don't believe there's anything wrong with pleasurable activities in moderation, the fact that humans, by nature, tend towards excesses when pursuing pleasure certainly seems to be playing out in my life. As summer approaches, and I will have more free time on my hands than I perhaps should have, I am faced with the question of how to keep myself productive during this time. I mean, I love the idea of a summer break, and look forward to relaxing, but I still don't want to spend even most of my time this summer on trivial pursuits. One of the things that has really helped me is discovering things I'm interested in, and planning on pursuing them this summer. For instance, it is a goal of mine to learn martial arts (of some form or another), and I see this summer as an ideal time to start. (By the way, if any of you know of a style of martial arts that is taught in this area that is particularly good, I would love to have any guidance in this area.) I am also trying to learn to cook, with the help of Sheena and John (I love you guys!), still going to write my novel this summer, and going to try to read a lot as well (I have a stack of books that need reading). Regardless of what I'm doing, however, I think it's really important that I establish discipline over this summer. Anyways, this pseudo-rant has degenerated into me wondering where I started, so I'm gonna throw in the towel and go back to my Hitler-book. Good night!

Seriously, I am such a psychopath it's not even funny. One minute I'm feeling great, and the next I'm feeling like crap. I had a long talk with God about it, and it's okay now. At least, more okay than it would have been if I hadn't. God has a way of straightening everything out for me.

First of all, there is good news. My day was great today, even if my night was somewhat sub-par. My good friend Will Glynn has just become fantastically wealthy, or at least fantastically wealthy by college-student standards. Anyways, I'm really happy for him. You guys should be too! If you want to see something... interesting... go here.

My reason for posting tonight is, I guess, that I wrote an essay about something I've been thinking about lately, and want feedback. The essay is posted here, and I would appreciate any comments you have, my reading public. Here she blows:

Thoughts on the deep-sea anglerfish
I was thinking recently on the struggles that I go through in life, and just sort of talking to God about them. I asked him questions like "I know that such and such a sin is wrong, but why does it feel so right sometimes?" It seems this is the problem with much of our society today. Many things that used to be sinful are now coming under questioning, on the basis that they "feel so right". One good example is premarital sex - "If two people love each other, why should physical expression of their love be wrong?", is a common question that comes up relating to that issue. Never mind the fact that often things don't go as planned, and a poorly-thought-out decision one night can lead to a huge host of problems later down the road. Another, similar issue is the problem with homosexuality - "It feels right to do it, why shouldn't I?", most gays ask. Indeed, the question can be asked of many sins - they must be sins, but why do they often feel so right?
The problem with the ideology of "it feels right, do it", is that it isn't anywhere near farsighted enough. A great example of this problem occurring in nature is found in the deep-sea angler fish. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a predatory fish that lives in very deep parts of the ocean, and where it is very dark. To help attract prey, the deep-sea angler has a light attached to its head by a rod that floats out in the water ahead of it. The light, seen by fish that seldom see light, is taken to be a good thing. The unthinking fish swim closer to the light to try to get closer to it, but this brings them too close to the deep-sea angler, which rushes forward and devours them.
This is incredibly relevant to modern life. How often are people distracted by the phantom-lights of what-feels-right, and fail to see the traps that these things really are. If the idea of attracting prey with something that looks good and then devouring them is used in nature, how much more will this hunting strategy be used by Satan, who is much smarter than any fish? The Bible even says that Satan appears as an angel of light - how appropriate. By romanticizing sin, by catching us up in our moments of great passion, how often we are led into a trap? And by not thinking, by merely living by feelings, how often do we offer no resistance?
Feelings are transient - they come and go like the winds, and how we feel one moment often changes to something drastically different the next. If we base our decisions upon the shifting foundation of how we feel, even if it is a particularly strong or long-lasting feeling, we will inevitably suffer for it. The whim of the moment is simply too unreliable to base important judgments upon. It is far better to base your decisions upon wisdom, and upon well-thought conclusions. A decision made upon the basis of well-though conclusions is unlikely to turn out to be a bad one, and a life founded upon wisdom will not collapse when the moment changes, but a life founded on mere feelings will.

I wrote this poem tonight, while reminiscing about one of my past previous romantic interests. Particularly, someone who was and is going in a very different direction from me, and how much that bothers me sometimes. Anyways, I would like to know what you (and by you, I mean anyone who is reading this regardless of whether you comment on my livejournal a lot or not at all, or whether you like it or hate it) guys think about it. Here it is:

I've wasted many thoughts on you
My words to you seem dull and plain
I wasted money over you
And all my tears, I cried in vain
My heart squandered on jealousy
But now I've come to see
For all I wasted over you
You gave naught back to me
My mind, though it once dwelt on you
Has lost its will to think
My pen, though it once wrote for you
Has wasted too much ink
I used to think that you could change
But now I see that's far from true;
So now this sentence is the last thing
I will ever waste on you.

I appreciate all comments, positive or negative. Thanks!

Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything significant in my LiveJournal. Bleaaaahhh, I feel so totally awful and not like writing right now, but you've got to have discipline sometimes, right? I feel like everything today has gone by very quickly. I had plans to be very productive today, but I have ended up accomplishing only half as much as I had intended to, and I find that very frustrating indeed. It seemed like people were everywhere today, vying for my time in a million ways, and I loved it, but at the same time, I feel like I should be getting some work done.

It's weird because I had decided to put people before work, (So long as social interaction wasn't getting in the way of my studies. I am in colleg to learn, after all.) and now I feel bad about it. It's like this tremendous weight upon my shoulders sometimes - the burden to make the most productive use of each day. The burden to get the novel done soon, the burden to not spend too much time having fun. Between this and that and the other thing, I feel driven insane today. Will started IMing me, and he's very much into the idea of me buying Unreal Tournament 2004, but I feel like it's a lot of money to spend (especially when I just bought Rise of Nations this week), and also that I don't necessarily need another game in my life right now. I hope you understand my reservations. Anyways, fortunately I can't really play it over the network here at Northwestern, so I can probably wait unti this summer to but the whole thing, (the demo is quite good, by the way) which will make my life much easier.

Wow, things need to slow down. It is fortunate for me that this is a very easy week with very little work to be accomplished, because otherwise I would really be in trouble. I can't help feeling like this is God's providence for me, but I wonder what good can come out of a hectic time like this. I am very grateful that God is patient with me, throughout my many struggles and even my many failings (I seem to have a lot of those lately, but still he waits, and is always ready with encouragement, telling me to get up and try again at it). Looking back on how I have been doing lately, I see that my life was becoming "too busy for God", to invoke a classic Christian dilemma that occurs oh-so-often. I plan out every hour of every day, and I forget to leave time for God. When I got up this morning, as I was walking to classes, I started praying on my way, as I used to do just a few months ago. I asked myself when exactly it was that I had stopped that habit - when was it that I had first forgotten, and from there forgotten again, and again, until I no longer began my day with prayer. The same goes for reading my Bible at night. I used to reject the importance of such rituals, saying that you cannot accumulate 'holiness points' by praying more or reading the Bible more. That is true, but I have found it is also true that your life will grow either closer or farther away from God depending upon how much time you spend with him, and how focused your life is upon him. In wanting to become a great Christian novelist, in wanting to become a brilliant Christian scholar, in wanting to be well-studied in Christian theology, I have in many ways forgotten Christ. Things like schoolwork, personal achievements, and understanding are good - they are even great, wonderful gifts from God, we should never forget that they are merely a means to an end. No matter how admirable your life's focus is, if it is not focused upon God it will ultimately come to naught.

And yet there is grace and peace for me, in God's love and mercy and infinite patience. The lesson to be learned from all this is that extreme overwork and exreme underwork are both things to avoid, as neither directs you towards God, but rather towards accomplishments or entertainments, both of which are ephemeral, and unsatisfying. In order to have progress, you need to spend equal time in relaxation and in work, but above all you must be moving towards God through both.

Hope this writing has been helpful for you; it certainly has for me to get my feelings out. Maybe some of you other college-people can relate. For now, I am going to go plan some more of my novel, maybe play a little of my demo of Unreal Tournament 2004, and then I'm going to end my evening as I used to; by reading my Bible. Good night!

Today has been the sort of glorious day that just absolutely refreshes you. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather, but of course I am seasonally affected more than most people I guess. It just feels like spring, and for me that's a really good thing. Despite recent academic disappointments (*sigh* they happen, what can I say?), other things have been looking up.

First up, I have been to a plethora of good websites recently, and I figured I'd put them up here so you guys can see them for yourself. First is Fensler Film, a website well-known for its hilarious remakings of the old 80's G.I. Joe cartoon - try that one only if your sense of humor can handle a lot of random stuff, because most of it is really random, but also really funny. On to a less funny website, this one Sheena showed me: Poor Leno. The site is a music video - the video is nothing special, very animal-rights, but the music is sort of a sad mix of techno and emo, (Thanks Sheena!) and well worth listening to. Now for something that will make you laugh and cry; namely, Brain-Terminal.
The website is a conservative site, with videos of ridiculous liberals. Not that I totally disrespect a liberal point of view, but some people are just stupid, and even if you are a liberal you should be laughing at some of these people. The link will send you to my favorite video, an anti-Israel liberal who says, and I quote, "Israel is a white-supremacist nation!". Does she realize that Jews aren't white by descent, and that most white supremacists hate Jews? I'd imagine she is just very ignorant. Anyways, the other videos are good too, but this one is just hilarious.

Anyways, I'mna go get some ice cream and start studying again for my many classes. I'll try to post something significant next time, but for now just enjoy the websites.

It is 4:00 on a Sunday and BOY do I feel good! This 'relaxation' thing was definetly what I needed! Okay, so meaningless details aside, I wrote something recently that I would like people to read, so I will post it below this mini-paragraph. Read it and tell me what you think, please. Thanks! Here it is:

Footprints in the Sand
"Faith" - I've struggled a lot with that word lately. Sometimes, I sit there and ask myself "what if I am wrong?", or "What if I am only fooling myself?". For everything I've seen, what if I am just a deluded fool. Surely, I say to myself, I have had too much experience with God to doubt my beliefs now. But for everything I have been through, doubt still manages to seep in. I ask myself how my beliefs can be true in the face of every other belief in the world. I ask myself how anyone can believe in anything - sometimes it seems so hard to have faith in even a very simple thing. I haven't seen what I believe, I've only been around for 19 years, and there are so many falsehoods out there - what are the odds that anyone would believe in truth?
To use an example, we will look at my financial situation. Money has certainly been a concern in the past, and it continues to be one for the future. I don't have a lot of money, and I will have to be spending a lot of it, and I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have no idea how I'm going to handle some of the things that I am sure lurk just down the road, and sometimes this drives me crazy. How can I give to others if I don't even know how I'm going to support myself? How can I be generous with what I percieve to be so little? And yet there is an biblical example for me to follow: the widow in Luke 21. Here we see a poor woman, someone who not only has little, but has no husband to provide her with more. For all my worries, I am a college student from an upper-middle-class family who really has thousands of times more than this woman undoubtedly had. And yet, though she was probably unsure of where her next meal would come from, and yet she gave all she had. As much as I wonder sometimes where the money will come from for my next tuition payment, I would be wise to look back on this poor widow from two thousand years ago and remember her sacrifice. By following her's, I can make my own.
My dog has taught me a lot as well. I have been watching him lately, and noting how different that attitude of a dog is from mine. Just as I am, he doesn't know where his sustainence comes from - he cannot understand how his food is processed and packaged, shipped and bought, brought and served to him. He cannot know for any certainty that he will be fed tomorrow, not even understanding how his food comes to him. He knows so little in this state of ignorance, yet he is calm and patient. He does not know how his food will come, but he knows that he was fed yesterday, and that he was fed today, and he trusts, based upon this, that he will be fed tomorrow. He is also getting old and has developed a limp. I sometimes wonder about my own health and the health of the ones I love, especially in this day and age of international terrorism and growing hostility towards the United States. My dog cannot know what will happen to him next - he never knows, when he goes to sleep every night, if he will even be able to get up in the morning, or whether something else might fail him as well, at his age. And yet, he is not worried - he hasn't even let the limp slow him down much. He lives each day with exactly what he has, and has faith that he will be provided for the next day. His trust is amazing - and based upon mere humans! How much more can one trust an infinite God? Jesus said, " Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one inch to your life?"
In the end, I am brought back to Abraham, the great patriarch of the Jews, and vicariously father of Christianity. Abraham never saw God, yet when God spoke to him, Abraham believed and obeyed. His trust was such that even when the command was to leave his home city and travel far across the ancient world, he went without a word, without thought to his own livelihood. He believed God, and he was well provided for, such that even today his offspring are more numerous than he could ever have imagined, and in many ways they are greatly blessed. Abraham knew very little in his time, far less than we know now, yet he believed the promises of a God that he never saw and likely often did not understand. In the same way, I see how I can trust in a God whose call I have heard, but whose face I have not seen. Abraham was asked to cross a desert, and did - I am merely asked to believe and do what I can, when I can to glorify God. Though doubts often rear up, by following in the footsteps of those who went before me. Knowing what I know, and trusting where I do not know, I will cross the desert. Praying for the faith of children and of widows, I will humbly follow after their footprints in the sand.

Wow, what an up and down day it's been today. It's just like I've not been productive at all this week, and maybe that's because I got back from Japan last weekend, and I still haven't gotten much sleep, but I feel like I have no work ethic at all, and all I'm capable of is not working and feeling bad about it later. Does anyone understand how I feel?

To recount the list of woes for today, I had a test in Lifespan Psych today which I think I got a B+/A- in - an A- would be a decent grade, but I cannot abide a B+ for some reason (because I need a 3.6 or whatever GPA to keep my scholarship and I can't pay an extra $10,000 a year!), and I just feel like I've gotten way too many Bs lately. Curse my school and curse the honors program and curse Dr. Black, leader of the grade gestapo that encourages teachers to snitch on their students and then sends them up the financial creek without a paddle!

*gasps for breath* Okay, maybe it's not as bad as that, but I feel that way sometime. Anyways, they're just a few Bs and I've got the whole other half of the semester to improve. I think the current plan is that I'm going to relax this weekend, not feel bad about it at all, and then get back to work full-speed on Monday.

Grrr... I'm gonna go play a video game.. or something. I need a break from feeling bad!

PS: To Becky's credit, I did have a wonderful trip to the mall with her today. Thank you Becky!

Hey everybody who reads this journal! It's been a while since I updated (I know), but that's mostly because I've been in Japan on a missions trip and haven't really had time to do anything related to anything I'd normally do. Since I've spoken to most of you already (or will speak, anyway) about the trip, I see no reason to re-iterate the details of it here. If you want to hear about it and you didn't already, ask me, and I'd be glad to give you the 20 minute version. Or the 60 minute version, depending on how much you like Anime. Japan rocks!

In other news, here I am back at school, and sort of working my way through some issues right now. If there is one thing the missions trip drove into my skull, it's how utterly far I have to go in my life. Humility is always something I need to work on, but there were times on the trip that I realized exactly what my limitations were, and what I need to work on. In some ways I feel fundamentally different from 99% of everybody. I know how they say "Everybody is different in their own way!", but I'm not talking about different in a likes-ketchup-on-scambled-eggs kind of way (Yuck, by the way), but more in a fundamental way. People in our group sort of got close to each other just naturally by being around each other, as easily as breathing, but on this trip at least I had a lot of trouble getting close to anyone who was part of my group. I think I just only work really well with a certain type of person, and that type of person is pretty rare. By the way, before anybody wonders, if you're a close friend of mine, you are definetly that kind of person. I love you guys!

Mood has been another thing I've been dealing with lately. I don't know how to describe how I've been feeling lately, except to say it's been sort of capricious and not really that great at all. I kind of have flitted from one mood to another, and can't seem to focus my thoughts on anything. I suffered from this most of the trip, by the way. One way that really affected me on the trip was in the realm of faith - often I associate feelings with faith. I like to feel faithful, and this affirms in my mind that I have faith. The problem comes when my mood prohibits me from feeling faithful, which leads me to ask the question, "If I don't feel like having faith, how can I have faith at all?".

My conclusion with regards to this is that I need to understand that faith and feelings are not necessarily associated. One of the funnier things that happens to me sometimes is that when I don't feel faithful, I will start talking to God and asking him questions like, "How can I be sure I believe in you?", which is as silly as me walking up to a friend and asking "How can I be sure you exist?". The proof is right in front of me - there would be no one to ask if my friend didn't exist, and my actual beliefs don't necessarily change even if my feelings about them do. If you belief is based completely on feelings, you will be like a boat adrift on the sea without sails or oars, completely at the mercy of your all-too-human emotions. In order to get anywhere on the sea you have to have a way to move - sails or an oar - the same holds true for life. In order to get anywhere when it comes to God, you have to have faith.

Wow, that was a very cathartic (to use a word I picked up from Grant Libby) experience for me. If you're sitting there wondering "What the heck went wrong with Rick's livejournal entry today?", it's probably because I am severely jet-lagged after being up for 36 hours straight, and a 15-hour time zone difference. I am living on the 7 hours I got last night, and caffeine, but I have a long way to go before I'll be up to 100% again. And classes demand all that they used to and more... *sob*.

To give you a few things to play with before I go, there is first NetHack. Many of you may already know about this one, as it is super-old, but it's also still super-good. The basic premise of the game is basic - survive the dungeon, get the amulet at the bottom, escape with your life. This is easier said than done, though, because there are many, many dangers between you and the amulet. What impresses me about this game is the sheer scope of it all, how much stuff there is that can happen to you. Every character lives differently, and dies differently, and there are many, many strategies for getting that Amulet of Yendor and sacrificing it to Amaterasu Omikane. The next time your character trips out on yellow fungus, gets polymorphed into a squid, or develops teleportitis in the Mazes of Menace, you'll thank me. Classic.

Anyways, I have class, so I'm gonna go. Sayonara!

I have now seen The Passion, and so like a god-king of old, I will not come down from my mountain palace and render judgement to the rest of you mortals.

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I have now seen The Passion, and so like a god-king of old, I will not come down from my mountain palace and render judgement to the rest of you mortals. <insert big, hearty, Zeus-like laugh>

No, seriously, I do have a number of opinions about The Passion, and especially with regards to the reviews it has been given by a number of critics, specifically the negative ones, so here goes.

Anti-Semitism in The Passion - For the most part, in my opinion, the movie was only anti-Semitic in the sense that the Bible itself is anti-Semitic (not at all, unless you choose to spin things that way, and even then it's not a particularly strong case). First of all, there is the glaringly apparent fact that Jesus is a jew. It seriously bothers me when I hear reviewers say things like "We see the Pharisees (it's not hard to notice that all of them have conveniently Semitic hooked or bulbous noses straight out of central casting) agitating for Jesus' blood", and then point at the movie and cry anti-Semitism, because Jesus has a similar nose and similarly Jewish features. I hate to say this, but Jewish people have certain racial characteristics that seperate them (pureblooded Jews, anyways), from other races, just as the Polish or the Irish or the Arabs have distinguishing characteristics that set them apart from everyone else. This is tantamount to watching The Last Samurai, and then saying "It is hard not to notice how all the villains in this movie have conveniently slanted 'asian-style' eyes". Of course their eyes are slanted, they're Japanese, and the movie takes place in JAPAN! Similarly, The Passion takes place in Jerusalem, primarily, and certainly always in territory that is heavily Jewish. Most of the characters are Jewish, and they LOOK LIKE JEWS!

Regarding the idea that the Bible's storyline has been used in the past to support anti-Semitism, I would have to say that this is true, but that is not the intent of the Bible, and anyone who really reads the Bible will understand this. There are numerous verses in the Bible that talk about the Jews being God's chosen people (even the New Testament has a fair share of verses supporting the Jews). Anyone who tries to condemn the Jews as a race ignore the fact that Jesus and ALL of his disciples were Jews. Anyone who triest to condemn the followers of Judaism ignore the methods of the early church leaders, who were completely nonviolent towards everyone, and preached a gospel of love and acceptance. These things fly in the face of the Bible as a whole.

Violence in The Passion - The violence in The Passion is a little extreme, to say the least. I am not a person usually shocked by violent depictions (being an old-school player of violent video games, as well as watcher of war, horror, and martial arts films), but there were some scenes in The Passion that made even me flinch. The fact of the matter is that I don't think young children should see this movie because of the violence, and older children's parents should use their discretion as to whether their kids can handle it or not. Overall, however, I did not think the violence was excessive, mainly because this is as historical portrayal of Jesus' crucifixion, and for the most part, this is how it actually happened. They did flay him and beat him with reeds, and even nail him to a cross and pierce his side with a spear. The only unrealistic thing I noticed was that they drove the nails into his hands (they probably would have done his wrists, or his hands would have probably been torn free of the nails). To rob this film of the violence in it would be to make Jesus' sufferings less than they actually were, and therefore to rob the film of much of its power.

Overall - I felt this film is one of the greatest works I have ever seen. I did not expect myself to cry during the film, or to become too emotionally involved in it (that doesn't usually happen to me), yet I did. That, to me, is proof enough of its power and its ability to give you a new appreciation for what Jesus really went through, which was an exceedingly violent death. I would reccomend that everyone see this film at some point in their lives, but I would also reccomend that anyone who sees this film do some studying about its historical background. It does not go very deeply at all into why many of the events that took place were taking place (such is the nature of the story), and I believe it is crucially important that people understand why everything happened the way that it did in order to get the true meaning of the film. Ultimately, though, I felt it was brilliant.

Oh, yeah, if any of you guys like well-written articles, check out <a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/ctmag/">Christianity Today's Website</a>. It's got some really great stuff up there, particularly their article on the history of Wicca in America. Just genius.